♡ sleep is difficult / oversharing
mmh.. tnight ws a special night, mayb.. to me at least.. ive finally been listenin to music i like again ♡ nicole dollanganger, noriko, ivy knight, lalleshwari ((well i alrdy listened to a lotta katie bfore.. jst specifically tht alias..)), n i recently discovered an album id put off listenin to.. sepiatone - in sepiatone (2001), iv uploaded it to my soundcloud since its pretty niche n wsnt uploaded there..<\3 bt i quite enjoy it ♡
i had been listenin to harsher n faster beats to um.. drown myself out rly.. i do tht whn i dnt feel myself, bt shes comin bck,, so i feel comfy listeninng to music i rly value.. nt tht i dnt enjoy those more upbeat songs, i rly do.. ♡ i simply dnt hold em as close to my heart.. n im scared of associatin smthin near n dear wth a falsehood, or smthin fleetin tht might take those things along wth it.. idunno, maybe im sentimental ♡
it's [6:42am] as i type this sentence,, i hvnt slept all night n thts rly normal for me.. ill probably crash arnd [9:00am] n wake up arnd [5:00pm] jst to do it all ovr again.. sleep hs always been hrd for me <\3 ummh um thts one of th main reasons im homeschooled.. which sucks cos i rly do love sleepin.. <\333
bt uhm.. enough of tht.. th important prts tht i always take so lng to get to.. whn id put nicole on i rly jst broke dwn cryin (([2:24am], probably..)) it ws candy apple tht got me.. nt a sad song, iknw.. bt i ws rly longin.. i nvr get to see my boyfriend.. hes naturally a distant person n i do love him for tht,, i love him for everythin..♡ no mttr wht it is or how bad.. it's jst been extra rly,, n the things she described felt umm.. "far-fetched.." as i said.. what if one day we aren't in a motel room by the sea? not evn by the carousel horses painted pink.. <\3 iknw its not my place to dictate tht bt uhm.. idunno.. anythin else i say will feel rly selfish..
n then creek blues, oh creek blues..
You are sick
And I hate you and love you for it
You're a wreck
But I'm always going to want you
Hate to see the knife always under your arm
Alone at night, cutting up neighborhood dogs
You snuck me to your daddy's bedroom
Showed me all his guns
You said, "Careful or you'll blow your head off"
"Make sure the safety's on"
Leaving things to die in the mud at the creek
Pumping shotgun slugs out into the trees
You run your fingers on the wood and feel its bullet holes
It gives you something I could never give you or ever really know
..sound familiar..?
"..n i do love him for tht,, i love him for everythin..♡ no mttr wht it is or how bad.."
sighsigh.. um yea.. i rly broke dwn.. [4:50am]on th dot.. i knw because i txted my bestfriend abt it,, bcos i ws also feelin rly sentimental abt havin her in general.. abt havin her n vince (him..♡) im rly lucky.. i'd txt him directly abt it bt i didnt wna disturb his sleepin.. n i had already tld him tht i bet when he ws born all the orange crush and ne-hi soda bottles in the world fizzed over ♡ hehe.. um yea i rly ws on a kick wth her music..
ithink tonight ws nice in a bad way.. so, nice ♡ i do like bein sad n sick.. they feel like me.. i felt like me.. n being able to curl up n cry in my bed while fantasizin a little about tryin to cry on a certain smone's shoulder n gettin thrown off.. n gettin so desperate i strted to hallucinate th smell of vomit.. tht's so icky.. umum.. eek.. bt wht's a girl to do <\3 ((also maybe tht thought lasted 2ish hours n i am beyond hope..))
it's [7:19am] now.. colorpickin for th super secret n cryptic text n gettin th keyframes right took me abit.. bt it gave me time to reflect.. i rly am oversharin.. n i guess thts my right as my blog bt i knw why i do it.. sme reason i strted documentin whn i strted to feel like myself.. i need to write dwn my identity to keep track of it.. it's and odd feelin ? i knw wht it is.. bt i rly cnt pull anythin i like off th top of my head unless its in an aesthetic sense.. like i like pink n sch.. i knw my dreams n fears n wnts n preferences exist bt i just rly cnt call to thm outside of th moment r i rly hav to think.. idunno.. mayb id b bttr articulated if it wsn't [7:23am] <\3 night-night.. mayb ♡ i am still unshowered n my room is a mess.. i hav to take care of tht...